Am I really an ultra runner?

I'm in a running funk and it's bad. The last couple of weeks, I've been dreading my long runs and when I do run them, I fall apart during them. When I read about other runners who adore their long runs, I just think about how much I hate my long runs. Shouldn't I adore it with every fiber of my being like every one else seems to? I'm learning, maybe not so. This has me wonder if I really am cut out to be an ultra runner or if I'm just in a bad mental funk.

Two weeks ago, when I did my 28 miler and didn't have a great run, I just blew it off knowing that bad runs happen. This weekend, I was back home and got in a 30.5 miler on a much hillier path than I'm used to running. I felt awesome for the first 13 miles, then tiredness set in and I just couldn't keep up my pace. The whole time I was falling apart, I kept thinking of a million other things I would rather be doing than suffering through the run. I kept questioning my abilities, my mental strength, and my true desire to run ultras.

Source

I've become known by friends, family, co-workers, and friends of friends as "that crazy person who runs a lot." I almost feel the that it is the expectation I've created about myself that I must live up to. I know that isn't true, but if I didn't do ultras all the time, what would I do and who would I be? I don't want to quit running all together, I just need to find a happy space mentally for my training and races. I've fallen down the negative rabbit hole and I need to pull myself out of it quickly. I have to understand that if I stopped doing ultras for a bit, people wouldn't be disappointed and honestly probably wouldn't care.

What does this mean for my next couple of races? I have my 12 hour race in less than 4 weeks and my 100 miler in less than 10. I'll see how my 12 hour race goes and go from there. I need to realize that it's okay if I don't do well at of my races all the time and that going out there and attempting it is an accomplishment in itself. I hate being such a Debbie Downer, but if I was perky and happy all the time, I wouldn't be an honest person.

Here's to hoping the next few weeks go better than the last and that if I overcome this, it leaves me stronger than before.